Since starting this blog a couple of months ago I have tried to write this post many times, but always found myself at a loss for words. This is by far one of the hardest, yet most important blog posts that I will have to write. This post is dedicated to my best friend and my husband's adopted sister from South Korea, Tawnie.
Tawnie, my best friend, my sister-in-law, and my beautiful Angel above, we lost you too soon, but I have to believe that your time here with us, on earth, was over at the exact moment it was meant to be. You are the reason that Kasey and I are in the very place we are today. Had it not been for you and I meeting 13 years ago at the Estee Lauder counter in Rob-May, and becoming the best of friends, I would have never met your brother, the love of my life, and would not be adopting our beautiful son from Korea. The truth is, before you, my heart was not open to adoption. I never believed I could truly love a child that I didn't give birth to. Boy, was I wrong. I know this now. Knowing you, knowing your family, knowing your story of being adopted from South Korea, and knowing what a beautiful, loving, smart, funny, corky, generous spirit you were, and how much joy you brought to so many lives around you, made me realize that I COULD adopt and love a child just the same as one I carried for nine months. I didn't realize this until you were gone. Your spirit has given me the courage to take this leap into the unknown, and has also provided me with such a sense of peace while doing so.
I have no doubt that your hand has been guiding us through each of these moments. When I had doubts I asked for guidance. How would I know if the child we received the referral for was the child that was meant for us? Do I just trust that whatever child comes to us is the one that's meant to be with us? I really struggled with this. I mean, I REALLY struggled. It's not like being pregnant and not having a choice. Meaning, when you're pregnant you get what you get. In adoption you actually are given a choice, and that was so hard for me. At the time of the referral you receive a file that contains the babies medical history, a couple of photos and any info they have on the birth parents. You're to review these documents and also have your pediatrician review. From there you make your choice. Choice, really?!?! How do I know what to do in this moment?? Listen to my gut? Well my gut, my mind, my emotions and everything else are in a state of excitement, elation, fear, nervousness and every other emotion there is! At least mine were. That being said, I. REALLY. NEEDED. A. SIGN! But what sort of sign would I, could I, receive? Well lets rewind about 6 1/2 months.....Kasey and I were celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary on January 13th (which is also Tawnie's birthday) and we said, "how amazing would it be if we received our referral today, on TT's (Tawnie's) birthday and our 5 year wedding anniversary? " Not thinking that would ever happen in a million years. So, we enjoyed a wonderful night out and did not receive a referral. Bummer. That really would have been amazing. However, about 9:30 the following morning I received THE CALL. Yes, it was Regina from our adoption agency telling me that she had a baby for us! Are you kidding me right now?!?! I mean, it's literally 9:30 the morning after your birthday. OK, that's a pretty strong sign! Thank you....thank you....thank you!! But, you know me too well, TT. There was still a very small part of me that wanted to be sure that this baby was THE ONE. So, of course, I called Shannon, (our other best friend) to share the news. "We got our referral!!! Whooohoooo!!!" Then, as we were talking it hits me that Maddyx's birthday was in July and Shannon gave birth to her first baby girl in July of last year too. I say to Shannon, " what is KK's exact birthday in July, because Maddyx was born in July too?" Well, what she said next almost blew my mind. KK was born on 7/25/09, which was the exact same day as our son! OK, I get the point, TT! Loud and clear! He's ours... meant for us... no doubt about it! Enough said....decision made! YES, HE'S OUR SON!!!!
So my heart knows that our son Maddyx has been hand selected by you, and through him, through our love for him, through our love for each other and through our love for you, your spirit lives on.
Thank you for everything you have given me. You and I were meant to be a part of each other's lives and you were meant to bring me together with your brother, my now husband, and our son Maddyx through adoption. You will never be forgotten. You will forever live on in our hearts. I wish you were here today to be a part of all of this with us. Maddyx would have loved you so much. What a connection the two of you would have had. We will share your story and pictures with him and I can only hope that he turns out to be half the person you were.
We LOVE you TT.